


Born For Leaving

by TheGirlWhoHeldOn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Small Town, Break Up, Cas is too understanding, Dean faces his issues, Dean-Centric, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Human Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Impala, M/M, Makeup, Small Towns, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 02:08:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7021537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlWhoHeldOn/pseuds/TheGirlWhoHeldOn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester was used to travelling across the United States and running from his problems. Nothing really ever made him want to stay. Then he meets Castiel Novak in a small town he was passing through. Will Cas be enough to make him stay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Born For Leaving

**Author's Note:**

> SO I went through a terrible fucking breakup lately. This is my way to comfort myself. 
> 
> PS The song is Colder Weather by the Zac Brown Band.

_She said you're ramblin' man_  
You ain't ever gonna change  
You got a gypsy soul to blame  
And you were born for leavin'.

*

Dean was a nomad. He never stayed in one place for too long. That and the Chevy Impala he drove from place to place was the only home he’d ever need. It was his father’s and it would always be his favorite place in the world.

Sam didn’t end up like that. After years of travelling and coming and going, he finally set his roots down and refused to leave. Of all places, he chose _California_. Dean hadn’t fully understood why until he visited the campus of the university that Sam was living in. He saw his younger brother fit right in among all the other younger, extremely intelligent people. He saw his brother’s eyes as he introduced his new girlfriend. He saw the appeal of finally _staying_ in one place.

He of course had tried to. Once. Little less then a year after Sam started at Stanford actually. He met this wonderful woman and her amazing son. She represented everything home could ever be to Dean. She baked and drove her son to soccer practice and slipped into bed with him every night. It was a good few months.

But then he just couldn’t stay.

He grabbed anything he could carry in the middle of the night and drove away. When he looked in the rearview mirror he could see Lisa’s heartbroken face…and he kept on driving. He drove into the night and morning. He only stopped the next afternoon at a motel just off the highway. As he lay in that bed to rest, tears came uncontrollably to his eyes. But he blinked them back. He wasn’t allowed to mourn.

He was the one that left after all. He was the one made for leaving.

He had been content with that fact for a long time. He just wasn’t ready to settle down yet. It didn’t really matter, did it? He was only in his late twenties. He was still young. He had plenty of time to get over himself right?

Then he met Cas.

*

He was just driving through the little town. Just needed a burger then he’d be gone. He’d done this hundreds of times before and it always went without a hitch.

Until a random man with brown hair and blue eyes started staring him down from a few seats away. Dean thought nothing of it of course. He was the new kid in town. Little towns were cautious and curious about outsiders most of the time. So a little staring sometimes came with price of admission.

But then the man _kept on staring_.

Like for most of Dean’s meal. The man didn’t even stop to take a bite of his burger—he was able to take a bite of it without even looking away. It was mildly disturbing. And creepy. And…interesting? He knew he was pretty, but he had never been eye-stalked about it before. And it helped that the man was hot as hell. You can’t make that sex hair and slim figure up man.

When he was finally finished his meal the man was still staring. And Dean had finally grown tired of it. So he put what he owed onto the table for the waitress and made his way over.

“What are you staring at?” Dean slightly growled. He may have been little frustrated by that point.

The man just looked up at him startled. Then he cocked his head. The universal sign of ‘what the fuck?’

“For my entire meal, you’ve been staring at me. Why?”

The man frowned.

“Which table were you sitting at?”

Dean gestured vaguely behind himself, his eyes not leaving the dude.

Said dude then gave the smallest of smiles, so small you could barely tell it was one, before saying gently, “Your seat has the best view. I was looking out the window.”

Dean did finally turn around to look again at his booth. “I’ll be God-damned.” There was a pretty nice view. There were a few mountains and a small lake, with the sun highlighting the fact that spring was finally upon them. The town was pretty nifty.

Then Dean paused. _Oh shit_. So _he_ had been the creepy dude that had been staring down this poor hot dude just trying to enjoy his meal.

“I’ll see myself out.”

Just as Dean was going to take off running in the Impala, never to see the town again, the man grabbed him. He touched his shoulder and gripped it fiercely. Despite it being one of the most inconspicuous places, the touch felt electrifying. It was the first time he had touched anyone in awhile. After Lisa he had been too guilty to even think about being with someone else. So this…was nice.

Dean ignored the blush in his cheeks.

“Don’t worry—interacting with other people can be difficult sometimes. Embarrassment tends to be a necessary evil when being social.” Despite the strangeness of the comment, it was actually…kind of comforting?

“Thanks man. Means a lot.” Maybe a comment full of sarcasm wasn’t the best response to a man genuinely trying to be kind to him. But his mouth and brain and body all disconnected from the others and were now running their own shows.

“No problem.” The man was so _genuine_. How can so much softness be in one person?

This time the man went to turn away, probably to enjoy the rest of the meal that Dean had rudely interrupted, but stopped when Dean whispered, “Name’s Dean.”

The man turned around and replied, “Castiel. Would you like to sit with me?”

Of course Dean did. And he fucked himself royally by doing that.

He got to know the guy over a cup of coffee. He didn’t mean to like the bastard. He just thought the man was an interesting character and would be a good story to tell down the road. He had no idea Cas would be so much more then interesting.

When he asked whether or not Dean was staying in town and whether or not he’d want to have a cup of coffee the next night, Dean hesitated. A part of him was screaming that no way in hell was he staying. The town was as bare as a wasteland. It had one of everything and had a population less then five thousand. There was nothing worth staying for.

Then Cas looked at him dead in the eyes with those deep blues and Dean knew he was fucked. He told him he’d be staying a week.

*

He did just that. He stayed in the only motel in town and saw Cas every night. They got to know each other better and better and even stayed until the diner closed every single night. There was easiness between them that he didn’t even have with Lisa. With her he always felt things were expected of him and he would just be a disappointment. There was no pressure from Cas though. All there was was chemistry.

And sexual tension. _Holy shit_ there was a fucking caboodle of it. Every time he saw him all he wanted to do was to kiss him, touch him and even fuck him if the man would allow it.

But he held back. He knew that once sex was in the picture…he’d have two choices. Run the fuck away or stay. He wasn’t prepared to do either. So he held himself back like a good boy.

Until the ‘last night’ he was supposed to be in town that is. Dean decided that a night out to drink was a phenomenal idea. One last night of fun and gambling and alcohol would be a blast.

Of course it wasn’t though.

Cas was different then most people. Even though bars weren’t Sam and Lisa’s favorite place to be, they would eventually learn to relax and have fun.

Cas did not. He stayed so still and so out of place. He looked like he wanted to book but then would look over at Dean and sigh. He would stay simply because Dean wanted to be there. And well that just wasn’t fun.

Dean, being ever the gentleman, did what he knew would liven up any evening.

He kissed him.

He wasn’t even gentle or romantic. He was a bit slobbery and there might have been teeth. But drunk Dean gave no fucks.

Sober Castiel apparently gave all of them.

He kissed Dean as if he was the most precious porcelain doll in a china shop. It was both frustrating and everything Dean needed.

Making out at the bar was frowned upon, so they were kicked out. Didn’t stop them though. They kept kissing. They kissed against walls, on sidewalks, even against a few poles. By some miracle eventually they hit a door. The door to Dean’s room. Without any hesitation he unlocked it and they crashed to the bed.

And well…the sex was fucking amazing. Dean forgot how great sex was with a dude. Not just any dude though—with _Cas_. He was shy but also not afraid to take what he wanted. Unfortunately Dean wasn’t in his best shape, being kinda still drunk and all, but Cas said afterwards that despite it, it was some of the best sex he had ever had.

Score one for Dean.

When he woke up the next morning with Cas snuggling into his chest, he panicked a little. The thing he was supposed to do under no circumstances happened. He fucked himself over by giving Cas one of the best fuckings of his life. He couldn’t win.

As he lay there in that dark motel room he considered it. Running. He looked at his bags and planned out how he’d quietly pack them. He routed the quickest way out of town and estimated how long it would take to get to the next little town. All of that swirled in his head and it was so overwhelming.

And then Cas gave a small sigh.

He looked down at his chest. The other man looked so fucking beautiful. His hair was unruly and his face was softer then he’d ever seen it and his body was curled around him.

He couldn’t do it.

He was so comfortable. He was so filled with warmth. He couldn’t fathom getting up and sneaking out. So instead he closed his eyes and fell back to sleep.

That was the beginning of the both the best and the worst time of his life.

Because he stayed. He lived in a motel and then moved in with Castiel when he insisted, not wanting Dean to lose all the savings he had earned. They became domestic and happy. They went grocery shopping. They took walks in the neighborhood. They bickered over stupid little shit. They had mind-blowing make-up sex.

It was both completely the same and far different then the time he spent with Lisa. Same with the domesticity and happiness. Different because _Castiel_. He was interesting and strange and just too fucking good for Dean. And yet he was his. And vice versa.

And then it began to happen again.

*

It had been a few months. Cas had started leaving little things around the house—an ad for a job here, an article on how to write a good resume there. ‘Subtle’ hints. But it was understandable. Dean was running out of cash quick. And he guessed that Cas would feel more secure with them if he finally began with a small single root.

Dean had tried, he really did. He sat down, intending to update his resume. It hadn’t been that long ago he had a job. He didn’t mind getting a job or two in the towns he passed through. The only problem was he never got a job because of a connection. He got jobs to gain money, not roots. And the thought terrified him.

He never updated that resume. Instead he laid in his room in the dark with Cas. He stayed up most of the night, panicking. He was surprised his lover couldn’t feel his rapid heartbeat or feel his sweat. When the clock changed to 4am, Dean knew what he had to do to stop the panic. He knew the surefire way.

So he untangled himself, refusing to look at Cas the entire time, and grabbed a few things. Some clothes. Some cash. Any major necessities. He had it all in a duffel within fifteen minutes. He had done this time and time again. It was almost instinctual by that point. Besides sneaking out was usually cut and dry. Grab things quickly, be stealthy, and silence is key.

The air was different this time though. He didn’t know if he simply wasn’t stealthy enough, or quiet enough, or if Castiel had been waiting. All he knew was just as he was about to open the door, he heard a voice behind him asking, “Where are you going?”

Dean turned and his chest constricted. Castiel stood under the moonlight, his face stony and body tense. Dean knew him well enough to know he wasn’t angry. He was upset. Disappointed probably. It was painful to see. This was why he always snuck out in the night.

“…I’m going to the store.” He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know whether to lie or tell the truth. Either way he was gone.

Castiel let out a clipped laugh. “You’re leaving me, aren’t you?”

Dean found no reason to lie. He nodded.

His lover gave a sad smile that didn’t touch his eyes. “Why? What did I do?”

“ _Nothing!_ ” Dean was quick to insist. He couldn’t leave if he thought _that_. That was absolutely fucking insane. “I just have to babe. I have to.”

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“You don’t understand.” He whispered with a clipped laugh of his own.

“Because you won’t let me! We’ve known each other for eight months and I barely know you. The _real_ you. The one without the whiskey and the car and the sarcasm.”

Dean had nothing to say to that. He just looked at the ground. He knew he had trust issues. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew exactly what he was running from and why. But he also knew that the body was an asshat of the thing. The body’s unreasonable and can be quite stupid. He was also helpless against his own panic and claustrophobia. He had to flee whether he wanted it or not. That’s the way it had to be.

Cas took the silence as coldness. He took it as a wall being constructed between them. He wasn’t entirely wrong.

“So nothing here is worth staying for huh?”

That wasn’t fucking fair.

“You fucking know there is.”

“Then why don’t you? Stay with me. Please.”

The reality of the situation crashed onto Dean. Cas was right. He wanted him to be enough to make him stay. He wanted their relationship to be enough. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t and that made it all the more painful.

The silence stretched on between them for a second before Cas whispered, “Take me with you.”

_What the fuck?_

“There’s nothing keeping me to this town. My family drifted away long ago and I could find a new job elsewhere. Please.”

Why did he keep saying please? Every time he did a chunk came out of Dean’s wall. The word sounded so heart-broken and desperate coming from his mouth. It made Dean’s own heart break in his chest. But…

“I can’t. I can’t be the person you give everything up for. It’s too much.”

Every second Dean stayed was absolute hell. Every second meant more and more hits against his wall. Every second was a second that compelled him to stay. So he did what he always did—he turned around, opened the door, and ran. It was cold outside but it didn’t matter. It couldn’t even compare with the ice in his heart.

*

It was a few months before they talked again. Like all of his mistakes, it started with alcohol. He went out to the bar of the town he was in and drank. And drank. And drank some more. Barely even noticed the woman flirting with him through the haze of alcohol. He could barely even think or speak. Everything was a blur. And then the woman was kissing him.

That sobered him up.

He pushed himself away and off the barstool. He didn’t even wait to gather his bearings before running out into the cold. He gasped out small breaths that caused pain in his lungs and ran to his car. Instead of getting into the front though, he slipped into the back. He curled up into the backseat and _sobbed._ He grabbed a coat of Cas’, one he accidently grabbed in his haste to run away, and held it to his face. He cried and moaned into it and he needed him. He needed Cas so bad.

He didn’t even think about it. He took out his phone, found Cas’ number and dialed it. He was still heaving and crying but it was too late now. A couple of rings past and Dean started to get cold feet. This was a bad idea. But just before he could hang up a gruff voice said hello.

Dean sobbed.

“I miss you. So damn bad.”

“…Dean?” Cas’ voice sounded so confused. And hurt. And that made Dean hurt all over again.

“I’m so sorry baby. I didn’t want to leave but I had to. I had to…do you forgive me?”

He didn’t answer.

“Please, I’m a wreck. I can’t stay anywhere. I can’t have a nice family and a house and a pet. I’m never gonna have that life. But I want it so bad baby. Can I see you again? Please?”

There were all those please’s again. Except this time, it was Dean taking down his own wall.

“Will you stay?” Cas asked in a quiet voice. He sounded sad now, afraid. Vulnerable. Dean didn’t like it. He wanted nothing but happiness for him.

“I dunno baby…I want to but I dunno if I can. Maybe I will. Maybe I can try harder.” He sniffled, his tears slowing.

His ex-lover was silent for a few moments before he said, “I can’t Dean. Not if you’re going to run away again. If you can’t change then I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”

The tears came back at full force and he was suddenly breathless. He couldn’t do it without Cas. He couldn’t imagine it.

“I love you Dean.” Cas still sounded heartbroken. Love was supposed to be celebrated and exciting, not painful. Dean sobbed for him. And for himself, because the reality was was that he loved him too.

“I love you too Cas.”

Then the line went dead.

*

Dean was in some city or another’s carbon-copy diner. He was sullenly eating his dinner on his lunch break. He was working at the auto shop next door, needing money and savings again before he moved on. He sipped his coffee and stared at the seat opposite of him before feeling eyes on him. He turned around and almost stopped breathing because a man was staring at him. Much like Cas had when they first met.

He felt a pain in his chest and forced himself to look away. He wasn’t hungry anymore but forced himself to eat. He had already lost so many pounds from accidental starvation. He couldn’t afford to lose much more.

He didn’t look towards the man again until he heard a gruff laugh.

Dean stealthily looked around and felt his eyes prick a second later. The man was still there and had seemed to be joined by his spouse. They laughed together and seemed happy.

Dean pushed away his plate.

That was all he wanted. All he wanted.

He had wanted many things over his lifetime. He had wanted his mother to live a long full life. He had wanted a puppy. He had wanted the Impala when his father died. He wanted countless men and women. He had even wanted a nice home with a picket fence and a nearby school once upon a time.

Some of his wants came true, and others were completely impossible. What was so frustrating was the fact that he didn’t know which Cas fell under. He wanted Cas more then anything but didn’t know if he could save them. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. But that other part of him refused to give up on them altogether. He thinks he could, eventually, do it. Settle down and fall in love. He just…didn’t know if that would be enough anymore.

But as he looked at the couple near him he knew he had to try. He wanted it too much.

*

Spring, summer and fall passed by. Castiel had been coping with life well. He lived in a nice apartment. He had a flourishing garden. He had a nice steady job and was almost finished his novel. The only problem was the fact that he was alone. Again.

He had no one to embrace, to kiss or to love. His family had left long ago, leaving him stuck in a little town. He could have gone long ago but couldn’t seem to. His roots were deep into the Earth by now and it would be a hassle to bring up to the surface.

He almost did leave. Several times. The most recent being he was going to leave town with Dean. He had actually wanted to leave his lovely little life. He had for a little while, long before his lover came into his life, but Dean had made the want turn into a tangible need.

It would have been fine. He’d have Dean to help him and they’d skip town. Find another. And if the two broke up then Cas would finally have the strength to move on. Go to California to be with his brother, or New York to be with his other wealthy family members. It would have been good.

But Dean fucked everything up.

He had felt guilty at first for thinking that. Wanted nothing more to bring the guilt and shame upon himself and relieve the man of all blame. Maybe if he hadn’t been so clingy. Maybe if they hadn’t moved in together so soon. Maybe he hadn’t pushed Dean to get a job.

But after several months of this, he realized that the blame didn’t squarely belong with him. He had given everything he could. Dean just wasn’t capable at the moment to accept it.

The best realization after the whole ordeal was that him not being ready for Cas was okay. He was who he was and Cas couldn’t change that. It also wasn’t a reflection on Cas. Things just were the way they were.

It had taken a lot of meditation and researching to get to that point but he was he did the work. It had brought him some relief from the pain of losing another person.

However, it did not appease the loneliness. It relieved some of the pain but not enough of it. It was a lot. Especially considering that it had been the first intimate relationship he’d had with anyone in quite some time.

But it was simply not meant to be. Despite the brief relationship they had, he could tell a lot about Dean. He knew the man loved beer and burgers. He liked to spend sunny Saturday afternoons tinkering with his car. He had a ‘nerdy’ younger brother that meant the world to him. He would never admit it but he loved reading classic novels. And finally, he knew that Dean had issues. Something had happened with his family in his most vulnerable years and it had…’fucked him up’ so to speak. He was afraid of intimacy. He had travelled on the road most of his life. And he couldn’t share that life with Cas. The reality was that Dean was born for the open road. He was born to come into others’ lives with a flourish and then leave.

And Cas’ love was not strong enough to make him stay.

Before he came to the conclusions above, he had blamed himself. He had loved the man too much, or too little. That was always his problem—his love was turbulent at best. Damaging to his relationships at worst.

Yet he wouldn’t change it for the world. He wouldn’t change their break-up even. Things fell as they did and Cas knew God had a plan for him. It wasn’t apparent and hurtful at the moment but he had to give it some time.

And like his sisters used to say; if you love it let it go. If it comes back it’s yours.

*

It was winter again when Dean rolled into Cas’ little town. Most shops had closed down early because of the major storm blowing around him. Dean simply couldn’t stop for it though.

He had tried to of course. No sense in dying in a storm after all that work he put in. He had settled in for the night in a cheap hotel and lay in bed. He tried to settle his nerves with a six-pack and a binge watch of Dr. Sexy.

But then something reminded him of Cas and that was it. He couldn’t stop thinking about him. About what would happen. About what he’d do if there was nothing to be done. Or if the man already had a new partner.

He saw Cas in the back of his mind and could even almost smell the bastard. It was frustrating. And unfortunately it wasn’t the first time this had happened.

When not thinking about his own issues, work and his car, he had thought about Cas in their months apart. He wondered what he was doing and how he was feeling. He remembered why he was working as hard as he was for almost a year.

And if it didn’t work out…at the very least he’d have some closure. And a better outlook on life in general.

When the thoughts and visions of Cas refused to abide, he growled and shot out of bed. It was interesting this time around. When he got out of bed at 4am that morning, this time he was running _to_ Cas. Not away.

And when he rolled into that town he had gotten to know so well, he gave a small sigh. He felt the weight on his shoulders fade away just a little. Enough to let him take a deep breath and calm.

It was 7am, and Dean knew that Cas had been up at least an hour. He liked to run in the mornings and have a quick meditating session. Then he’d tidy up and get ready for work to be there for 9. They’d have two hours to hash out everything. Hopefully that’d be enough.

He knew the streets by heart still, despite how long he’d gone. He didn’t even have to think about it too hard before he pulled into the apartment complex’s driveway. He parked in the visitor’s parking and waited by the front door until someone passed through. He went up in the elevator and made his way to Cas’ door. He didn’t let himself think. He knocked briskly. There were a few moments of silence before the door slightly opened.

“…Dean?”

*

The two men sat in opposite seats. Both had a cup of coffee in their hands and no one said anything. They both refused to begin the heavy conversation.

When Dean looked at the clock and saw it said 7:30, he knew he had to say something though. “You changed the couch huh?”

Castiel frowned and looked down at the seat underneath himself. “Yes. My savings had grown enough to allow me to get rid of the old one. It was quite aged you see. Falling apart.” The man didn’t look up as he said of this. He just looked to the couch, to the floor, before finally settling on the cup of coffee in front of him.

“I-I hope I’m not interrupting anything?” Dean asked hesitantly, grabbing onto his jeans tightly. He could barely contain himself. Anxiety and excitement and pure _want_ were just coursing through him. All of it just created conflict in his already edgy body and he didn’t know what to do with himself. So he settled with trying to sip his coffee.

Cas didn’t look nervous. Or excited. His face had gone blank and his body was still. He didn’t look like he was feeling much of anything, which scared Dean. He would have much preferred anger or tears.

“No,” Cas answered simply, “It wouldn’t have mattered either way.”

Dean cocked his head in confusion, much like Cas was prone to do.

“I’m here whenever you need me.” The man explained. His eyes turned soft and Dean almost let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you Cas…that means more to me then you think.”

Cas just nodded and sipped his coffee. “So what exactly is going on?” Dean appreciated the bluntness. He also had no idea how to answer.

“…Nothing really. I just…wanted to see you?” Which was true. But he also didn’t want to throw the fact that he wanted to get back together in his face first thing. He wanted to test the waters first.

“Does this…have anything to do with that call you gave me a long time ago?”

Dean sighed and wrung his hands. “I’m sorry for that. I was drunk and feeling like shit. Didn’t know what else to do with myself.”

Castiel frowned and did Dean just see a flash of hurt in his eyes?

“I mean, what I was said was true! I did—and do—in fact miss you. The drinking may just have upped the ante a bit though.”

Cas looked a little more appeased.

“So…I guess I’m here because…I miss you. And I was wondering how you were doing. Especially after that call.”

“I’m all right. Work is good. My family is well. I’m not starving or homeless or sick.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

Cas shifted a little in his seat and took a small sip of his coffee. He stared at the space above Dean’s shoulder. “I was,” he paused briefly, swallowing, “Worried. About you. And bitter about us. However I am feeling much more content now. How are you handling things?”

This gave Dean pause. He should have seen the question coming but came to a blank. Should he confess right away? Take his time?

“You don’t have to answer the question if you’re uncomfortable. I understand it can be hard to talk about such personal things.”

Well, now Dean _had_ to say something.

“I’ve been good. Ish. I’m getting therapy.” Dean grinned. He was actually quite proud of himself for that. So was Sam. And his therapist. For once one of his decisions made everyone happy. The fact that he benefitted from it as well was just fucking great.

Cas seemed to be proud too. He smiled softly and said, “I’m happy for you. It takes quite a lot of strength to do such a thing.”

Dean nodded.

“Is it proving successful for you?”

He felt himself smile. “Yeah. I’ve been able to stay in one place for six months now.” He didn’t beat around the bush; he knew that was their most pressing concern when it came to their relationship. “I also worked out some stuff with my family.” He squirmed in his seat. It was still a little difficult to talk about his problems. He still felt a part of himself tense and practically growl at the thought of it. But he knew that he needed to work through it. Especially if he wanted to win Cas back.

“That’s good. It sounds like you’ve made progress.” He sounded so happy, though his face had become unreadable. Something else was up.

“I wish I had seen one while I was here.” Dean blurted. His hands now gripped his knees until his knuckles were white.

Cas had a less extreme reaction. His breath seemed to hitch for a single second before he relaxed again. He sipped at his coffee thoughtfully without looking up. “I see no point in wishing. What’s done is done.”

“Does that mean done done? Like done forever?” Dean couldn’t help but pry.

This time the other man did truly freeze. Finally he looked up at Dean with eyes full of emotion. So many he couldn’t make sense of them all. “What are you implying?”

He had to come out with it now. “I made a mistake Cas. I meant everything I said in that call. I want to come back.”

“I can’t stop you from coming back here. This town has enough room for others.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know what you mean.”

A silence stretched between them. Dean averted his eyes while Cas kept staring. Neither could seem to fully take a breath.

“I don’t know if I can accept you back into my life, Dean.”

Dean’s eyes looked up and widened. “You said in the call—“

“That was _months_ ago. I was in such pain Dean. I would have done anything to have you back at that point. I loved you.”

“Love _d_? You’ve stopped?” Pain lanced through Dean’s chest and suddenly all he wanted to do was leave. Get on the road. Drown his sorrows in booze. Of all the scenarios he had imagined, he had never imagined Cas wouldn’t love him anymore.

Said man cringed. “Of course not.”

Relief coursed through his veins.

“However I can’t say that that love is the same as it used to be. It has changed over time as time has passed. After what had happened there was no way it wouldn’t have changed.”

“How has it changed?” Dean asked. He could hear the accusatory tone in his voice but couldn’t stop it rom leaking through. He didn’t want it to change. A part of him wanted things to go back to the way they had been. He knew it wasn’t possible, but that part of him didn’t seem to care.

Castiel looked him in the eyes. They said how loaded a question that was. To his credit though, he did try to answer it.

“It comes…less easily. It’s more cautious and shy. Its…Trust comes easily to me, usually. However it’s hard for me to trust you now.”

And well didn’t that make Dean feel like a piece of shit.

“Is there any way I can earn that trust again?” It killed him to ask but he had to. He _had_ to know if maybe, just maybe, they’d have a chance. So if he left the apartment without him that day then at the very least he had tried and knew why.

Castiel frowned and looked away. Dean’s heart sped up in his chest. That wasn’t exactly bad news—Cas tended to turn away in thought when they were together quite a few times—but it didn’t exactly slow the butterflies in his stomach.

They sat for a few minutes in silence. The sun rose and filled the room with light and warmth. Dust danced in the sunlight. The room was revealed slowly but surely in the light and showed it was neat and tidy. Castiel couldn’t stand a dirty room, as Dean learned when he first moved in. Thankfully he was also a tidy man. At least, mostly. Not as tidy Cas wished he would be. He tended to leave glasses in random places and pile mail on one of their end tables instead of sorting through it. It drove Cas mad.

Dean’s eyes wandered the room and stopped completely still halfway through. He looked at the end table on Cas’ right and saw…piled mail?

Dean broke the silence to ask about it.

Cas gave a small smile but didn’t look at him. He kept looking away as he whispered, “You impacted my life.” And Dean had a feeling they weren’t just talking about the mail.

“You have too Cas. I…see you all the time. I think about you wherever I am. Let me tell you, after awhile it gets annoying. But I can’t seem to stop,” he let out a dry laugh, “I can’t guarantee I won’t leave again. You want a committer and I’m kind of a runner. But I can try my damnedest to stay because I need you. I—“ but he cut himself off. They have never said the L-word before. And the last thing he wanted was to waste it in a desperate attempt to get him back. So he saved it in a little corner of his mind and prayed ‘I need you’ would be enough. “I mean, you brought me all the way back here. You were the pusher I needed to get…help. If that doesn’t say something about our relationship, I dunno what the fuck will.”

The silence stretched on. Castiel seemed to be truly thinking about it and that was all Dean could ask for really. It was better then a flat-out no. Or a naïve yes. Honestly this was the best-case scenario.

“I don’t want to be hurt again Dean.” He finally whispered after a tense few minutes. His voice was low and vulnerable. Dean honestly wanted to give him a hug. Ex-boyfriends be damned. But he didn’t move, instead just waited on baited breath.

“It was so hard to keep up with you when we were together. You were social, energetic and so _so_ alive. I’m…not as such. A night with a good book or a movie is a great night for me. I did so much to try and catch up with you. I went out drinking, I flirted, I even slept with you after a week of knowing you…It was hard to change and give up a little part of my nature but I did it. Because I wanted you and that was enough. When you left it was like a big ‘fuck you!’ to all of that, as you would say. My sacrifices hadn’t mattered in the end because you couldn’t sacrifice for me. Does that make any sense?”

It did.

“I never asked for you to sacrifice anything.”

Cas nodded. “I know. The truth is a part of me did want to be like you. Feel like a part of the human race. I understand now though that while part of it was selfish, there was another part of me that did it strictly because I wanted us to work so badly. I wanted you. And the fact you didn’t want me just as much…”

It hurt. Dean could understand that. And he was honestly sympathetic for the guy.

But that was some honest-to-God bullshit right there.

“I wanted you. Well, I mean technically I didn’t. At least I thought I didn’t. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on in my head, man. All I know now is that my baggage is finally in order. It’s all in the fucking open. Root through it, play with it, chuck it away, I don’t give a shit. Just please decide something.” It came out a lot rougher then he intended it to. He blamed the nervous energy just zapping away through him like a ball in a pinball machine. He had no idea what to do with himself.

Dean knew he made a mistake the moment Castiel’s face turned hard. “It’s not as if I’ve had time to think this through Dean. It’s not as if I’ve had the _slightest_ indication—“

“You know, you’re right. I get that and I’m sorry for barging in here like this. Look…I’ve laid out all my cards. You know what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling about all of this. There’s not much I can add anymore. All I can promise is a chance of making this work. A possibility of having a happy ending for us. And honestly, it’s better if you think on it. I want you to make a decision that will make you happy. So I’m going to the diner, restrain from having a beer, and then I’ll be at the motel. If you make up your mind today…let me know.” And with all the restraint and power he could master, he got up. He gave a look to Cas, one he hoped showed bravado and sincerity, and then walked towards the door.

His hand was on the handle when he heard a cry of ‘wait!’ from behind him. He turned around, trying to calm himself from thinking the best. The last thing he needed was false hope.

“I’ll get your answer to you by sunset. At our bench.” Castiel’s eyes were wide and his posture was slumped. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Dean hated that he had given him that weight, but this needed to be done. At the very least it gave them closure. At the best…

*

Their bench was full of history. This was where Castiel brought his first date, trying to be a romantic little shit. It wasn’t, according to the girl he brought up there. It was where his older sister Anna told him she’d be moving across the country. It was where Gabriel broke the news that their father was dead. It was where he meditated when he was trying to decide whether to leave or stay. It was where he celebrated with a nice burger when he got the librarian job.

It was where Cas asked Dean to move in with him on a whim, and was astounded when the man said yes.

It was where Cas first cried after they broke up. He watched the sun rise over the mountaintop two hours after he had left and just began to sob.

It was filled with good memories and bad. Other then the library, it was his favorite place to be.

More history was to be added upon it that day. It started where most of the other memories started. The sun slowly began to go down. Blue turned to orange and pink and purple. The moon became more prominent and the wind began to pick up.

After a long hike up their Dean got to the bench huffing and puffing. He knew it was Cas’ favorite place, but it certainly wasn’t his. It was tolerable though. It could even be pretty. Not worth the hike up there but he could ignore that.

Cas was already sitting on the bench. He had a book in his hands he wasn’t reading. He stared into the sunset.

Everything could be going wrong for him, but give him a sunset and life became amazing and beautiful to him. Take him that high up on the mountain and make him feel high above it all and joy was sure to follow. He looked at peace. A startling contrast from that morning.

Dean almost didn’t want to break it, but he knew he had to. Thankfully words didn’t have to be said—a branch crackling underneath his boot did it for him. Cas looked over with calm eyes and he gave a small smile. Dean almost fell to the forest floor at the sight. Instead he moved forward.

“Cas—“

Before he could react, Cas was up. The book was abandoned on the bench. Cas grabbed Dean’s face and brought it close to his, giving a gentle kiss.

In that moment Dean knew everything would be all right. That had a lot of shit to sort through. Lots of a fights and tears. It would be worth it though, as long as he kept getting those sweet sunset kisses from Castiel.

*

_When I close my eyes I see you_  
No matter where I am  
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines  
I'm with your ghost again  
It's a shame about the weather  
But I know soon we'll be together  
And I can't wait 'til then  
I can't wait 'til then


End file.
